Forgiveness is a four letter word: LOVE

When trying to decide on a new blog topic, it was suggested by a dear friend that I write about loving your enemies. My reply to this was, "I should, but it would be very hard right now." (NOTE: Obviously this is a person who knows my current situation very well.) His reply was simple and profound, "All the more reason. Even if your honest about how hard it is."

Well, itching to avoid writing a blog about forgiving and loving my enemies, I did everything possible to avoid it. I went for a run. I did laundry. I rearranged everything in my drawers and on my computer. I added new books to my Kindle. Anything, everything to avoid writing about enemies.

Enemies: plural of en·e·my (Noun) : A Person who is actively opposed or hostile to someone or something.
Enemies: THAT person. THAT thought that has consumed my thoughts for days, weeks, months. THAT thing that has kept me up nights, and made me mad during the days. THAT cause of anxiety, stress, tears, heartache, anger, guilt, and yes even irrational thoughts.

I'd like to pause a minute and point out that I purposely and passionately run from drama. I don't like arguing. My motto about arguing is: let's agree to disagree and MOVE ON.

MOVE ON: That's the problem. I've been trying to move on. Move on with my career, my life, my relationships, my WHOLE WORLD and there's just one person who just can't seem to let it go. It's almost their obsession it seems. Now, sometimes people might seem flattered to be the object of someone's obsession, however, I find it just plain creepy and strange. Not to mention disheartening that their obsession includes lies to complete strangers that prohibite me from moving on with my life in some ways.

In my struggle to move on and their total opposition to moving on, I have found my thoughts consumed with them. How to seek revenge, how to make them pay, how to make them feel the way they have made me feel. In recent months, not only how they have made me feel but how they have made those closest to me feel. I have found myself wondering, is this their goal? To make their obsession of me consume my thoughts?

AND THE GUILT SETS IN: The guilt for thinking these thoughts, these unholy, un-Christian, selfish, hurtful thoughts about someone... which led me straight to the Good Book to search for answers. And answer's I found. See some below:
Romans 12:17-21
Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." To the contrary, "if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Matthew 5:44
But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,

Ephesians 4:31-32
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Luke 6:27
"But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,

Matthew 18:15
"If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.

So there it is, straight from the Word of God. To forgive those who sin against you just as God in Christ forgave you. To do good to those who hate you. To love your enemies. To take care of your enemies (by offering them the things they need, as this will be like heaping coals on their head). And then the most difficult one for me: In Matthew 5:44, PRAY FOR THOSE WHO PERSECUTE YOU.

AH HA! Lightbult moment: DARN, I've been doing this all wrong. Don't get me wrong my prayer life has reversed 360 degrees in the last year. But perhaps about this particular situation, I've been praying for the wrong thing. I've been praying for God to protect me, to help me, to make this person go away (yes, sadly, I've even prayed for God just to make them drop off the face of the earth in times that I was seriously hurting from things they had done to me....HEY, I'm HONEST, we've all thought it at some time about someone).... but with that scripture, I realized I need to pray for this person to be touched by God's love and forgiveness. And yes, at some point even my own forgiveness.

In addition to searching the Bible, I also found a few quotes that at a minimum made me smile and reflect on the situation."Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much." Oscar Wilde

I love this one. As I'm learning to forgive this person, I hope that this person feels my forgiveness. I hope they know how hard it was to forgive them for hurting me... mentally, emotionally, financely. I hope they know that more than how they hurt me, I didn't appreciate them attacking and targeting my friends and family. I want them to learn to forgive the same way I'm learning to forgive.

"You have enemies? Good...that means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life."
― Winston S. Churchill

Well, that is EXACTLY what started all of this in the first place. As we've already covered, I'm relatively low key in that I try very hard not to start drama, be involved in drama, or associate with those who thrive upon drama... however, in the situation that started this, it was that I was standing up for what was right. I don't regret it. I wouldn't change it. Even though it has caused me all this pain, I know from my head to my toes that I did what was right in standing up and speaking up in the situation. Yeah, I made an enemy... unfortunately, not just an enemy, but an obessed bully....but I still did the right thing...
"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." John F. Kennedy 

As long as I live, I will never forget this person. Perhaps I will, in time, learn to forgive this person, but I at this point, I feel like I will never forget them. I know that as painful and trying as this situation is, I know that I'm learning from the situation. And I've learned from this person.... I've learned it is EXACTLY the type of person I DO NOT want to be.

It is my hope in the next year, after things are more settled (send up prayers and cross your fingers), that I will be able to write more openly and detailed about this situation and the heartache and learning experiences I've had from it. In the mean time, I'm trying to forgive, and dilegently praying...

Joy and Blessings,

Amanda

Sofőr: My life, my journey

So many words, so little time....

I have created a bracelet using reminder objects (charms) and a single word (made from scrabble letters)  It was very difficult to select a single word that encompasses how I feel currently and how I have felt, and how I will feel in the future. I thought for several weeks before finally selecting a word.....  SOFOR. Online I have found that the word sofőr comes for a Hungarian dialect derived from the French word Chauffer (driver), however my friend Mir has told me it is often used in Bengali in the context to mean the word JOURNEY which is what I have created in my bracelet for... as a constant reminder of my own journey through life.

Life is really like a journey filled with lessons, hardships, heartaches, joys, celebrations and special moments that will ultimately lead us to our destination, our purpose in life. Destinations will be different for every person. And that road to that destination will not always be smooth and easy. But as with any journey, we must be diligent in order to accomplish what we set out to do. “I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14

Some of these challenges will test my courage, strengths, weaknesses, and faith. Along the way, I may stumble upon obstacles that will come between the paths that I am destined to take. In order to follow the right path, I must overcome these obstacles. Sometimes these obstacles are really blessings in disguise, only we don't realize that at the time. I have a compass necklace that is engraved with "There are no shortcuts to anywhere worth going."  Along my journey I have and will continue to be confronted with many situations, some will be filled with joy, and some will be filled with heartache. How I react to what I are faced with determines what kind of outcome the rest of my journey through life will be like.

So, as I finally selected my word, SOFOR, for my bracelet I was also faced with the challenge of choosing items that could represent my journey as whole. Like selecting the word, this selection took time and thought but finally it all came together.

Owl

I chose an owl as a reminder of wisdom. Historically the Greek goddess of knowledge and wisdom was Athena and her symbol was the owl, and that is the beginning of where the owl became "wise".  For my own purpose I selected this as a duel meaning. First and foremost it is to remind me of God's ultimate wisdom. In my journey, I am often conflicted with what I should do, what others want me to do, and what God wants me to do. As I continue in my journey, I find myself constantly praying for God's wisdom in so many situations.  I know that God will continue to guide and direct me with His wisdom though my life’s journey.

"For the Lord gives skillful and godly Wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding." Proverbs 2:6.

I also selected the owl as a symbol of my own wisdom. This might be contradicting to the above reasoning of seeking God's wisdom, but I truly believe that God wants us to use our own knowledge (directed by Him) in order to make good choices in our life. For several years in my life, I have knowingly let people use me or treat me badly for no good underlying reason except that I wanted to be loved or liked. (Side note: strangely enough my name, Amanda, means "deserving to be loved.")  I have been told I am dumb and called names and been used and degraded. I know that people talked about me behind my back for letting others walk over me and use me as a doormat. I've always known I didn't deserve that type of treatment but was never sure HOW to just not be that person. I have learned from the situation and I am determined to use my own wisdom to forge my own paths and not let the treatment of others decide my future. I am an intelligent and strong person and I will no longer hide it in order to be liked or in fear but I will show it daily in my journey.

“You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” ― Kathryn Stockett, The Help

I am WISE and I will no longer let anyone tell me that I’m not…

Leaf

I chose a leaf as a reminder to constantly grow in knowledge, strength, and faith. I want to grow in personal relationships, friendships, and in my daily life. As a teacher, I have always told people that I am always learning from my students. I want to continue learning new things everyday from everyone and in all my surroundings. To grow academically I plan to continue working on my master’s degree and (eventually) completing it in order to pursue a positive career change.  I want to grow in my faith through my daily prayer, studying, and continuing to grow in relationships with a new church family, and with my camp friends. I want to develop the skills that make personal relationships with family, friends, coworkers, and people more positive and better in general.

“Planted in the house of the Lord, they shall flourish in the courts of our God.” --Psalm 92: 13

“It's vital to be growing through your life rather than going through your life.  The object is not to change other people or situations; it's to do the inner work they stimulate.” -- Wally Amos

I am growing in all areas of my life and I will not let anyone stop me from growing in the ways that I choose to grow, develop, and better myself…

Clock

I chose a clock as a reminder that things take TIME. Time stops for no one, and if we allow ourselves to focus on the negative we might miss out on some really amazing things that life has to offer. We can't go back to the past, we can only take the lessons that we have learned and the experiences that we have gained from it and move on. It is because of the heartaches, as well as the hardships, that in the end help to make us a stronger person. That doesn’t mean it is easy to get through these things after they happen. In my journey, I hurt because of choices I’ve made and because of choices of others, regardless of whether they were necessary or not. I hurt because I seek to forgive others and be forgiven and I also seek to forgive myself. God has forgiven me, and in time the other forgiveness will come also. Time is the key word. Some things take TIME. It takes time to heal, to learn, to love, to trust, and to be able to live life again to the fullest.

¹ “There is a time for everything,
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 ² a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.”
--Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

“El tiempo da buen consejo” – Proverb (translation: Time gives good advice)

I am done letting other dictate my time. I am done wasting my time on things that do not matter and I’m ready to start living my time to the fullest.

Cross

I chose a cross for an obvious representation of faith. Each of my charms I can relate in some way back to faith. During a time of my life, it seemed as though things fell apart all at one time – job, relationship, friendships, home – everything. At first, I was a wreck- an emotional ball of constant tears. Through this time, I realized how much I needed God and felt He needed me too. In fact, while going though a Bible study, I heard these words. “Come on Amanda, its time. We’ve got places to go girl, and we are not taking all this baggage with us…. So let it go, so I can use you the way I have intended to use you.” So…that’s what I tried to do. So I prayed. And I sang praises. And I prayed some more. I prayed by myself, I prayed with friends, I prayed with family. I prayed for God to use me and show me the direction He wanted me to go in my life. I prayed for His wisdom and protection. I prayed and prayed and prayed. And though things didn’t happen over night, suddenly things happened. Things turned around. Things changed for the better-- A home, relationships, a job. Things changed and it was GOOD. And it was because of Him. I could feel Him saying to me, “See, you let go of the past and the pain and you were able to receive the things I had in store for you.”

I still struggle with trying to control my own life and I work hard to just turn things over to Him and leave them. It is a sign of my constant developing faith. But even though I struggle, He is GOOD, He is POWERFUL, and He is TRUE. And He knows right where I am in my life.

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11: 1

I am choosing to worship my God because He is great and He is faithful. I will not care anymore if I am judged for that. I will not be told anymore that I can’t go to church or that I should be doing something else with my time just because someone disagrees with what I’m doing.

Anchor

I chose an anchor as a reminder to anchor myself to the people that matter. Usually, those are the people that love and don’t need a detailed explanation of my life. Being myself is enough for these people. My parents and my family are such a blessing to me. They are so supportive of me no matter what. I will anchor myself to my true friends and those around me who know me and trust my decisions and are okay with my feelings.

The people that we meet on our journey, are people that we are destined to meet. Everybody comes into our lives for some reason or another and we don't always know their purpose until it is too late. They all play some kind of role. Some may stay for a lifetime; others may only stay for a short while. Sometimes it is the people who stay for only a short time that end up making a lasting impression not only in our lives, but in our hearts as well. Although we may not realize it at the time, they will make a difference and change our lives in a way we never could imagine. To think that one person can have such a profound affect on your life forever is truly a blessing. It is because of these encounters that we learn some of life's best lessons and sometimes we even learn a little bit about ourselves.

People will come and go into our lives quickly, but sometimes we are lucky to meet that one special person that will stay in our hearts forever no matter what. Even though we may not always end up being with that person and they may not always stay in our life for as long as we like, the lessons that we have learned from them and the experiences that we have gained from meeting that person, will stay with us forever.

“The harbor of my mind is an open bay, the only access to the island of my Self (which is a young and volcanic island, yes, but fertile and promising). This island has been through some wars, it is true, but it is now committed to peace, under a new leader (me) who has instituted new policies to protect the place.  And now—let the word go out across the seven seas—there are much, much stricter laws in the books about who may enter this harbor. You may not come here anymore with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague ships of thoughts, with your slave ships of thoughts, with your warships of thoughts—all these will be turned away.  Likewise, any thoughts that are filled with angry or starving exiles, with malcontents and pamphleteers, mutineers and violent assassins, desperate prostitutes, pimps and seditious stowaways—you may not come here anymore, either.  Cannibalistic thoughts, for obvious reasons, will no longer be received.  Even missionaries will be screened carefully, for sincerity.  This is a peaceful harbor, the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquility.” –Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love

I will not be told anymore that I can’t see my family and friends for the simple matter of someone else having control over me. I will anchor myself to those who love me and support me… My true friends and my family. So, if you aren’t willing to be part of this positive and supportive companionship, friendship, or any other type of relationship, get out of my harbor. I will not anchor myself to you unless you truly love and support me.

An owl, a leaf, a cross, a clock, and an anchor…. Part of my SOFOR, my journey.

These items—trinkets and charms on chain are just reminders to me. Reminders to be myself. That I’m smart, I’m still growing, to have faith, that time will heal all things, and to surround myself with those who love and support me. When things don't always go our way, we have two choices in dealing with the situations. We can focus on the fact that things didn't go how we had hoped they would and let life pass us by, or two, we can make the best out of the situation and know that these are only temporary setbacks and find the lessons that are to be learned. On this journey, I want to be one who makes the best out of things. I want to be positive and encouraging to myself and to others around me.

It's these things that will give me strength to continue on with my journey. I know that I can always look back on those times of my past and know that because of situations and people, I am who I am and I can remember the wonderful moments that I have shared with those people and events.

Memories are priceless treasures that we can cherish forever in our hearts. They also enable us to continue on with our journey for whatever life has in store for us. Sometimes all it takes is one special person to help us look inside ourselves and find a whole different person that we never knew existed. Our eyes are suddenly opened to a world we never knew existed- a world where time is so precious and moments never seem to last long enough. Throughout this journey I know people will give me advice and insights on how to live my life but when it all comes down to it, I must always do what I feel is right.

It is often said that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. It all depends on how one defines the word "strong." It can have different meanings to different people. In this sense, "stronger" means looking back at the person you were and comparing it to the person you have become today. It also means looking deep into your soul and realizing that the person you are today couldn't exist if it weren't for the things that have happened in the past or for the people that you have met. Everything that happens in our life happens for a reason and sometimes that means we must face heartaches in order to experience joy. I am so thankful for all my many blessings and experiences on this journey. As I continue my SOFOR I am reminded of a promise from God….

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

And that is all I really need for my SOFOR…

Peace and Blessings,
Amanda

27 on the 27th

Turning the same age as the day you were born (example: 27 on the 27^th) can obviously only happen once in your lifetime. According to Wikipedia: “One's champagne birthday, also called a golden birthday, is the day when the age someone turns is the same as the day in the month he or she was born. It is also common for the birthday individual to have champagne, thus champagne birthday. For example, someone born on January 31st would celebrate his or her golden birthday when he or she turns 31.” Due to the lack of days in a month, this can only happen through age 31, depending on which month you were born. This year has been easy to tell people how old I am turning. “Yes, I will be 27 on the 27^th of November.” 

My aunt, a September baby like much of my family, has a birthday that is the 29^th of September. For memories sake or perhaps in reference to her youthful appearance, she has claimed to be 29 on the 29^th of September, every year for over 20 years.

As I celebrate my “27 on the 27^th”, I am thoughtful of many birthday or “growing up” statements.

“You may grow old, but you shall never grow up.” (My thought: Always keep childlike Faith, laughter in your heart, but take responsibility for yourself, your family, your home, your job, etc. Don’t let you immaturity ruin opportunities to excel.)

“It’s not the years in your life, it’s the life in your years.” (My thoughts: Put some spunk in your step, be positive, and fool folks left and right about your age.)

“Age it just a number.” (My thoughts: Yes it is! And like my aunt, I can now choose to be 27 on the 27^th forever, or keep changing my number. I will decide next year.)

My 26^th year has been one of the best and worst. I have had to make difficult decisions in my professional and personal life that have been both heartbreaking and rewarding. I have loved some people and hurt some people. I have spent some time dwelling on these things and other times learning from these things. I have spent time laughing about them and crying about them. Despite this total range of emotions from the past year, I am determined to make my 27^th year a year of simplifying, healing, focus, and positivity.

I’m starting it today, by turning 27 on the 27^th.

Peace and Blessings,
Amanda

"A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun.  Enjoy the trip."  ~Author Unknown

Thankful for a Job Hunt

It has been a long 171 days since my job hunt began. I have been able to supplement my income with a couple of photography gigs and a few paintings. I have applied for over 400 jobs and had only 8 interviews (all of which were apparently unsuccessful.) In the state of the economy I am usually one of 50-150 applicants for one position (if it is a generic job such as clerical work, assistant, etc.)

It is very easy to get discouraged in the current situation but as the Thanksgiving season approaches, I am trying to have a more positive outlook. I have many things to be thankful for and I am trying hard to work though many situations in my personal and professional life. So many people have told me “God works in mysterious ways.”, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.”, and “God has a plan.” I wholeheartedly agree with all of these things. Scripture tells us:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13

As Thanksgiving approaches, remember to tell those around you that you love them and are thankful for them. Be thankful for the things that you DO have and focus less on the things you don’t have. Be thankful for your relatives even those that drive you bananas, be thankful for that house that you wish was bigger, be thankful for the food in your fridge you wish was a gourmet meal, be thankful for opportunities to learn and grow even when you are resisting change, be thankful for that job even if its hard and you hate it. Be thankful for the freedom that we have that allows you to have these things. Most of all, be thankful for the One who has a plan, works in mysterious ways, and won’t give you more than you can handle.

Peace and Blessings,

Amanda

Situational Learning

In the last two weeks I have felt a rollercoaster of emotions. School started back for teachers last week and students this week and for the first time in five years I didn’t start back with them. Aside from that being emotional enough I have realized several things this week during high emotion times:

                       

§       You find out who those true friends are.  During these critical weeks, I had a few people call, text, or message me telling me that they were thinking of me. When you work at some place for several years though I guess I was expecting someone, anyone, from that place to call, text, or email me a note just saying they missed me or asking how I was. Nothing. People that I have stood up for, taught with, cried and laughed with for years…. Nothing. No response at all. It hurt until I realized that it’s okay. Because the few people that did contact me- do love me- even if they aren’t the former coworkers that I expected. There is a country song by Tracy Lawrence titled “You Find Out Who Your Friends Are” and the lyrics talk about general situations when you are in need of a friend and how those true people just show up or call without thinking about what’s in it for them…and that’s so true. Real friends are there when you least expect them and they expect nothing in return. So, thank you to those people --true friends and family-- who sent me a text or note or gave me a call on these especially tough few weeks. It has meant so much to me.

§       God is good and He’s got a plan.  Being unemployed, job hunting, and focusing on my photography business has obviously had me feeling a bit blue more than once in the last couple months. Despite that I have had an overwhelming feeling of God’s abundant love and always in the back of my mind is Jeremiah 29:11—“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I know that God has a plan for my life and it will take place in His time, not mine.

§       God is an ever-present Teacher. Someone said to me several weeks ago during a walk “When you pray for courage, God doesn’t automatically give you courage. He gives to situations to be courageous in.”… This didn’t really sink in until a few days later when I found myself praying for patience, peace, and guidance. And I realized that in my life right now, God is giving me the situations to practice patience, peace, and guidance. (He is also teaching me great things about humility – but I will be writing a whole other blog on that topic.) I’m having to have patience in this job situation and in learning that things will happen in His time, when He sees fit. I am having to seek His guidance to get through daily things and to deal with new experiences. And most of all I know that He is responsible for this peace I am having despite all these new situations and frustrations. He is responsible for the true friends and family that I have and the support they give me. He truly does know everything about us and the way to show us His unending love though people, situations, and experiences.

In closing, I am reminded of a quote I recently read from an unknown author: “Real people are never fake and fake people are never real.” God is never fake. He is very real and is working in my life and I pray He is working in yours also.

Peace and Blessings,

Amanda

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." ~ Helen Keller

A moment of (not) temporary insanity (I hope)

I chose this title for my first blog in hopes that it would inspire me to keep up with the blog at least weekly. When first thinking of starting a blog, I thought, "Wow, thats crazy... I would never keep up with it....." Well, here goes nothing.

In this blog, I hope to post my thoughts on certain events and situations, books, music, quotes, tips and tricks, and things that are going on in my daily life.

So... check back for more blogs coming soon!!

Peace and Blessings,

Amanda

"When something can be read without effort, great effort has gone into its writing." ~Enrique Jardiel Poncela